- She just woke up from bed and complains of leg pain in the left arm (just can't imagine how this can happen)
- Otherwise, I have recommended rechecking in a few weeks just to make sure that the ear is completely gone.
- T: Blood pressure 89/42, she states this is common for her after dialysis. They did remove foreign leaders.
D: Blood pressure 89/42, she states this is common for her after dialysis. They did remove 4 liters. - At work yesterday, she was lifting a 5-gallon bucket of pain.
- She complains of a dry cough that hurts when she coughs and also when she takes a deep breath for three days.
- Take medication as directed and put ice on it.
- Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation
- She lost her cool this week and apparently blew up her husband and daughter.
- No history of using contact lances.
- This is a very pleasant child sitting up on the stretcher in bed with his mother who is very playful and a pleasure to play with.
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Showing posts with label Humors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humors. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Medical Transcription/Dictation Bloopers
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Stupid Frequently Asked Questions
Here it is, finally, the second installment in EMS (stupid) FAQ. The
first one I wrote as a joke for people at work. Then I put it up on the
WWW and got such a great response I started paying closer attention to
the stupid things we say to each other every day and (stupid) FAQ#2 was
born.
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician
on duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that
treated patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am
sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go.
Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus
stop.
Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to
take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree'
patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the
hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during
the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets
looking for ID and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac
arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't
answer me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min,
24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The
complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail
in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a
quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or
maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on
twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with
barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of
your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years
of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
This page is copyrighted ) 1996 by Jerry Fandel. Permission to copy and
distribute is granted (and encouraged) as long as this notice or my name
is somewhere on the copy so I can take the credit or the blame whichever
the case may be). In other words please don't try to make a whole bunch
of money with my humor without sharing some with me! If you do use it
in your publications please let me know and send me a copy।
सोर्स:http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone/message/67
first one I wrote as a joke for people at work. Then I put it up on the
WWW and got such a great response I started paying closer attention to
the stupid things we say to each other every day and (stupid) FAQ#2 was
born.
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician
on duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that
treated patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am
sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go.
Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus
stop.
Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to
take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree'
patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the
hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during
the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets
looking for ID and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac
arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't
answer me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min,
24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The
complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail
in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a
quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or
maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on
twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with
barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of
your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years
of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
This page is copyrighted ) 1996 by Jerry Fandel. Permission to copy and
distribute is granted (and encouraged) as long as this notice or my name
is somewhere on the copy so I can take the credit or the blame whichever
the case may be). In other words please don't try to make a whole bunch
of money with my humor without sharing some with me! If you do use it
in your publications please let me know and send me a copy।
सोर्स:http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone/message/67
Some Medical Terms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to
supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
Soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men।
Source: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone/message/40
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to
supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
Soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men।
Source: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone/message/40
ER Humor
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man
had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about
the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming
himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
- The most non-emergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and
questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a
pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the
young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure
you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the
hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the
old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old
daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five
minutes ago!"
had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about
the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming
himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
- The most non-emergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and
questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a
pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the
young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure
you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the
hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the
old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old
daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five
minutes ago!"
Thursday, May 17, 2007
True Doctor Stories
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be,"remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
* * * * * * * * * * * *
One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now, I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I, then, asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged
lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Life is Great!
Source:
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be,"remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
* * * * * * * * * * * *
One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now, I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I, then, asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged
lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Life is Great!
Source:
The month was right!
Written documentation on a patient's chart in with PID, "Patient had her sister
move into her ovaries in December."
It was supposed to read that patient had a cyst removed from her ovaries in
December.
Source:
MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone
move into her ovaries in December."
It was supposed to read that patient had a cyst removed from her ovaries in
December.
Source:
| |||
Medical TermsAccording to Blondes
*Apologies go out to anyone who really is a blonde*
Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when treatment fails.
Bowel A letter like "A", "E", "I", ETC.
Caesarean section District in Rome
Cat Scan searching for kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic Sheep dog
Coma Punctuation mark
Congenital Friendly
D & C Where Washington is
Dilate To live a long time
Enema No a friend
Fester Quicker
Hang nail Coat hook
Impotent Distinguished
Labor pain Getting hurt at work
Morbid Higher offer
Nitrate Cheaper than the day rate
Node Was aware of
Out-patient Person painted
Post-op Letter carrier
Recovery room Place to re-upholster
Rectum Dang near killed him
Rheumatic Amorous
Secretion Hiding something
Tablet Small table
Terminal Getting sick at the airport
Tibia A country in north africa
Tumor More than one
Urine Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose Nearby
Vein Conceited
By: Mary Usner posted on Yahoo Groups [MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone]
Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when treatment fails.
Bowel A letter like "A", "E", "I", ETC.
Caesarean section District in Rome
Cat Scan searching for kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic Sheep dog
Coma Punctuation mark
Congenital Friendly
D & C Where Washington is
Dilate To live a long time
Enema No a friend
Fester Quicker
Hang nail Coat hook
Impotent Distinguished
Labor pain Getting hurt at work
Morbid Higher offer
Nitrate Cheaper than the day rate
Node Was aware of
Out-patient Person painted
Post-op Letter carrier
Recovery room Place to re-upholster
Rectum Dang near killed him
Rheumatic Amorous
Secretion Hiding something
Tablet Small table
Terminal Getting sick at the airport
Tibia A country in north africa
Tumor More than one
Urine Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose Nearby
Vein Conceited
By: Mary Usner posted on Yahoo Groups [MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone]
Top 10 Odd MR Statements
(Supposedly found on patients' charts.)
10. "The skin was moist and dry."
9. "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
8. "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed."
7. "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
stockbroker instead."
6. "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy."
5. "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
4. "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce."
3. "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
2. "She is numb from her toes down."
1. "The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
Source: Yahoo Groups (MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone)
10. "The skin was moist and dry."
9. "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
8. "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed."
7. "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
stockbroker instead."
6. "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy."
5. "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
4. "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce."
3. "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
2. "She is numb from her toes down."
1. "The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
Source: Yahoo Groups (MedicalTranscription-Humor-Zone)
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Medical Names Master List
Dr. Butts - a colorectal surgeon
Dr. Richard Butcher - general surgeon
Dr. Sueme
Dr. John P. Long - urologist
Dr. Toothman - DDS
Dr. Blinder - ophthalmologist
Dr. Foote - podiatrist
Dr. Anolik
Dr. Bluett - cardiovascular surgeon
Dr. Sen (pronounced sin) - psychiatrist
Dr. Butts - proctologist
Dr. Tickle - veterinarian
Dr. Chow - GI
Dr. Bamforth - chiropractor
Dr. Slaughter - oral surgeon
Dr. Loveless - AID/HIV specialist
Dr. Fear - veterinarian
Dr. Orth - orthopedic surgeon
Dr. Harry Beaver - gynecologist (!)
Dr. Killingsworth - surgeon
Dr. Death - anesthesiologist
Dr. Bony Fields Barrineau - orthopedist
Dr. James E. Shotts - otolaryngology
Dr. Luis Concepcion - OB/Gyn
Dr. Pain - DDS
Dr. Lips - DDS
Dr. Popp - chiropractor
Dr. Colon - Gastroenterologist
Dr. Doan Du Dat
Dr. Hans Peter Horney
Dr. Waterfallen - gynecologist
Dr. Amil Butt - proctologist
Dr. Hole, D.O. - gynecologist
Dr. Luck - orthopedic surgeon
Dr. Sunshine - ER doc
Dr. FU - unknown specialty
Dr. Gause - Orthopedics
Dr. Goodenough - Neurology
Dr. Lipman - dermatologist
Dr. Smyle - pediatrician
Dr. Dart - vascular surgeon
Dr. Strait Fairey - Family Practice
Dr. Balz - proctologist
Dr. Woomer - OB/GYN
Dr. Hacker - surgeon
Dr. Bone - orthopedist
Dr. Leslie Plack - DDS
Dr. Bonebreaker
Dr. Bonesetter
Dr. Paw - Cardiology
Source: http://www.mtdaily.com/jokes.html
Dr. Richard Butcher - general surgeon
Dr. Sueme
Dr. John P. Long - urologist
Dr. Toothman - DDS
Dr. Blinder - ophthalmologist
Dr. Foote - podiatrist
Dr. Anolik
Dr. Bluett - cardiovascular surgeon
Dr. Sen (pronounced sin) - psychiatrist
Dr. Butts - proctologist
Dr. Tickle - veterinarian
Dr. Chow - GI
Dr. Bamforth - chiropractor
Dr. Slaughter - oral surgeon
Dr. Loveless - AID/HIV specialist
Dr. Fear - veterinarian
Dr. Orth - orthopedic surgeon
Dr. Harry Beaver - gynecologist (!)
Dr. Killingsworth - surgeon
Dr. Death - anesthesiologist
Dr. Bony Fields Barrineau - orthopedist
Dr. James E. Shotts - otolaryngology
Dr. Luis Concepcion - OB/Gyn
Dr. Pain - DDS
Dr. Lips - DDS
Dr. Popp - chiropractor
Dr. Colon - Gastroenterologist
Dr. Doan Du Dat
Dr. Hans Peter Horney
Dr. Waterfallen - gynecologist
Dr. Amil Butt - proctologist
Dr. Hole, D.O. - gynecologist
Dr. Luck - orthopedic surgeon
Dr. Sunshine - ER doc
Dr. FU - unknown specialty
Dr. Gause - Orthopedics
Dr. Goodenough - Neurology
Dr. Lipman - dermatologist
Dr. Smyle - pediatrician
Dr. Dart - vascular surgeon
Dr. Strait Fairey - Family Practice
Dr. Balz - proctologist
Dr. Woomer - OB/GYN
Dr. Hacker - surgeon
Dr. Bone - orthopedist
Dr. Leslie Plack - DDS
Dr. Bonebreaker
Dr. Bonesetter
Dr. Paw - Cardiology
Source: http://www.mtdaily.com/jokes.html
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Medical Charts
The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on
patients' medical charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
2. On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Source: http://www.med-psych.net/humor/joke0037.html
patients' medical charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
2. On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Source: http://www.med-psych.net/humor/joke0037.html
Medical Humours
WHAT THE DOCTOR WROTE:
The following quotes were taken from real medical records as dictated, word
by word, by the physicians..........
The following quotes were taken from real medical records as dictated, word
by word, by the physicians..........
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Source: http://www.med-psych.net/humor/joke0024.htmlFunny Transcription Errors
A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Source:http://www.med-psych.net/humor/joke0015.html
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Funny Work Thing
By Lisa W.
Whenever a new "customer" (per our company's policy, we no longer have patients...or clients...they are "customers") is admitted to our program, I perform an hour to hour and a half comprehensive medical history and physical examination. I then dictate this assessment, identifying all pertinent diagnoses...from ingrown toenails to head lice to whatever...and develop a treatment plan with referrals and recommendations for additional care needed beyond my scope of practice..i.e. ...dental, vision..etc. This dictated document is generally 5-6 typed pages. In an interesting cost savings maneuver, our transcription service has been farmed out to someplace in Nepal. Yes..Nepal. We are in Alaska. Global community? Whatever. Anyway....there are some interesting and unique interpretations of medical descriptive terms that have come across my laptop for editing. Such as:
Under medications, herbs, nutritional supplements:
My dictation: " reports chamomile tea several times daily for relaxation"
The finished transcript: " reports camel milk tea several times daily..." cute. But it costs me time/keystrokes to make the edits, and if my records ever ended up in court for any reason...i can just imagine some attorney grilling my but about where folks get camel milk in Alaska....
My dictation: "complains of discharge with foul odor"
The finished transcript: "complains of discharge, smells like chicken".....it took me a second...foul..fowl..chicken....
I am not making this up!
Source:http://lisamidwifeknits.blogspot.com/2007/03/funny-work-thing.html
Whenever a new "customer" (per our company's policy, we no longer have patients...or clients...they are "customers") is admitted to our program, I perform an hour to hour and a half comprehensive medical history and physical examination. I then dictate this assessment, identifying all pertinent diagnoses...from ingrown toenails to head lice to whatever...and develop a treatment plan with referrals and recommendations for additional care needed beyond my scope of practice..i.e. ...dental, vision..etc. This dictated document is generally 5-6 typed pages. In an interesting cost savings maneuver, our transcription service has been farmed out to someplace in Nepal. Yes..Nepal. We are in Alaska. Global community? Whatever. Anyway....there are some interesting and unique interpretations of medical descriptive terms that have come across my laptop for editing. Such as:
Under medications, herbs, nutritional supplements:
My dictation: " reports chamomile tea several times daily for relaxation"
The finished transcript: " reports camel milk tea several times daily..." cute. But it costs me time/keystrokes to make the edits, and if my records ever ended up in court for any reason...i can just imagine some attorney grilling my but about where folks get camel milk in Alaska....
My dictation: "complains of discharge with foul odor"
The finished transcript: "complains of discharge, smells like chicken".....it took me a second...foul..fowl..chicken....
I am not making this up!
Source:http://lisamidwifeknits.blogspot.com/2007/03/funny-work-thing.html
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Funny Transcription Errors
D: Phlebitis, left leg.
T: Flea bite his left leg.
D: Check amylase.
T: Check MLAs.
D: Breath sounds are normal.
T: Breast sounds are normal.
D: Breast and rectal: Refused
T: Breast and rectal are fused.
D: Well-nourished and well-developed lady.
T: Well-nourished and well-loved lady.
D: Prepped and draped in a normal sterile fashion.
T: Prepped and raped in a normal sterile fashion.
D: Parents are alive and well.
T: Parents are alive in well.
D: Dull-looking male.
T: Doll-licking male.
D: Acute angina.
T: Cute vagina.
D: North Virginia.
T: North Vagina.
T: Flea bite his left leg.
D: Check amylase.
T: Check MLAs.
D: Breath sounds are normal.
T: Breast sounds are normal.
D: Breast and rectal: Refused
T: Breast and rectal are fused.
D: Well-nourished and well-developed lady.
T: Well-nourished and well-loved lady.
D: Prepped and draped in a normal sterile fashion.
T: Prepped and raped in a normal sterile fashion.
D: Parents are alive and well.
T: Parents are alive in well.
D: Dull-looking male.
T: Doll-licking male.
D: Acute angina.
T: Cute vagina.
D: North Virginia.
T: North Vagina.
